Rant: Once A Cheat Always A Cheat

Once a cheat, always a cheat, eh? Is that accurate? Well, based on my own bad experience with a cheat, I am going to say yes.

I was 22. She was 18. We met at a club. Meeting at a club... that's warning sign number one. To me, there is nothing sketchy about meeting someone at a club, but you just don't expect that sort of meeting place to produce the best long-term matches.

Her birthday was coming up in 2 months. She was going to be 19. On the day of her birthday, I found out that she turned 18. She lied. OK, maybe it was a white lie, but it was a lie. That's warning sign number two.

Her family had money. Her mother was a professional with a strong will, who did her best to impart in her three daughters that they need to be strong, independent women. And then she would give each of them anything they wanted. Her father did the same. There's warning sign number three, some conflicting nurturing from her parents, resulting in her feeling like she was a woman of destiny in charge of her life and the world around her... yet expecting someone to always be there to pamper her and never let her experience a single hard knock in life. In a word: spoiled.

Before me, she had dated a sum total of ONE guy, and only for a few weeks. This, in itself, is not necessarily a bad thing, but it meant that she was naive, innocent. She didn't know what it felt like to be dumped. She didn't know how to behave in a relationship. She didn't know anything at all about what kind of person she wanted to be with. All she knew was that she wanted to be with me at that time. Warning sign number four.

Shortly after I met her, she was off to college several hundred miles away. I was in love. She was in love. We decided to stay together and see if we could make it work. That didn't last long.

Anybody who has been away to college knows what it is like to be surrounded by hundreds, thousands, of new faces. I had been there... I had just graduated. I knew what was in store for her. It wasn't long before I received the first crying phone call where she admitted to cheating on me with some guy from class. I was hurt, but not surprised. I gave her a pass, because I rationalized her behavior. I guess that was a warning sign, too... she had cheated for the first time. So, there was my warning number five.

We broke up and got back together a few times over her first three years of college. When we were broken up, we both dated a bit. When we were together, I was exclusive to her and she said she was exclusive to me... but, as I eventually found out, she was lying to me. She cheated on me with 2 other guys. Warning number six. But, I was stupid and in love, and I again rationalized her behavior, and we eventually got back together. At least, I reasoned, she was figuring out what she wanted, and she seemed to more and more realize that she wanted to be with me.

Between her Junior year and her Senior year, she took an internship with a computer company in Cupertino, CA. We were together when she went out there, and after about 2 weeks I received yet another phone call from her crying her eyes out about how she is confused and might want to try dating this guy who she works for... big warning sign, number seven. We were done for the rest of the summer. She came back after her internship ended, had a "heart to heart" conversation with me, apologized for all of those mistakes she had made, and vowed to make a ridiculously convincing effort to see me as often as possible over the course of this final year at school.

And, we did it. Every two weekends we got together, alternating between her flying up to see me and me driving down to see her. It was a good year, and I felt like we were actually becoming a serious couple.

9/11 happened, and the software company I was working for lost its financing as the U.S. financial markets took a major panic hit. I worked some odd temp jobs for a few months. She graduated in May. She took a job in DC. I followed, and landed a job writing software for the government. I sold my house in NJ and bought 2 condos in VA. We moved in together. In December, atop a mountain peak in Vermont, I proposed. It felt like we had come a long way. She had matured and knew what she wanted. I believed that to be true.

The engagement was tough. During this period of time, I started to really take notice of the difference in our backgrounds, simply because we were in a position where we were trying to accommodate the wishes and desires of two families, while trying to make sure that we planned the wedding the way we wanted it to be. I came from a family where myself and my siblings were the first generation to go to college. My extended family was small. Her family, for many generations, had all been educated. Her extended family was ridiculously large. But, we pushed our way through it; she and I worked hard at trying to make the wedding a special day for both of us. And, it ended up being a wonderful day.

We bought a house together. I kept the condos and rented them both out. It really seemed that we were building a good life together. Sure, I hated my job and worked with a lot of older people so didn't have much opportunity to form many social friendships. She, on the other hand, worked almost exclusively with people her own age. Her friends became my friends. It seemed pretty good... except the truth was always that they were her friends first, mine second. She spent her days with them... I saw them occasionally on nights and weekends. But, hey, that's life. It seemed OK.

She marveled all the time about the lives of these friends of hers (ours). Their dating lives were so interesting to her. Usually, she enjoyed telling me the little disasters and funny stories about these folks. It was amusing, and she made me feel so happy to be out of that game in a real, stable relationship. For a while, it made me feel like we were a perfect couple, bound to outlast the rest.

Anyway, as it happened, about a year after we got married I was presented with an amazing job opportunity in NJ. We had been talking about moving back North so we could be closer to family when we started to have children. It made sense. We were excited about the opportunity, so we made plans to make it happen. The house had to be sold, she had to find a new job, and we needed to find a new place to live... a new place to start a family of our own. I ended up renting an apartment close to my new job, and spent the summer driving back every weekend to ready the house for the real estate market, etc. She continued on at her current job finishing a project while looking for a new job near mine. It was tough, as we expected it to be, but it seemed worth it. We would talk every night, and be together every weekend.

A favorite couple who's lives my wife followed (gossiped about) were two of our closest friends. They happened to be the married couple we spent the most time with; my wife worked with the guy, and the four of us would always have a fun time when we got together. But, as we ended up learning one day, the woman was cheating. She was having an affair with a guy she worked with.

Her husband found out after suspecting something was amiss... he got into her email one night and found the evidence. He moved out. He lived in his car. He lived with friends. He was a complete mess.

Then, all of a sudden, I stopped hearing about him. I noticed this after a day or two. A few days after that, it became harder to get in touch with my wife on her cell phone. When we did speak, she was belligerent. She stopped looking for a job. I started to suspect that something was up.

One Tuesday evening, the pressure got to me. I couldn't stand the waiting, the wondering. I got in my car and drove four and a half hours from my apartment to my house. The house was empty. I called her. No answer. I waited for hours. At 2 AM, she called my cell phone and apologized for not calling back sooner. She had gone out with friends after work for a happy hour, and then one of them got really drunk. She had left her phone in her car and the group of them brought the drunk guy home. Then they all drank a little more and played board games. Then she had to wait a while before someone would bring her back to her car. What a disaster. Anyway, I asked her to please call me when she got home so that I would know she made it home safe. An hour later, my phone rang, and a sleepy voice told me she had made it home and was safely snuggled in her bed. Aww, how sweet...

That was when I told her that she was very stealthy, because I had been sitting in the living room for hours, and hadn't noticed her car pull up, nor her walking past me to the bedroom. Hmm. She apologized over and over, and said that she was sleeping on the couch at her friend's house because she drank too much and was embarrassed to tell me... an hour later, she actually came home.

After that, I was suspicious of her every move. Two weeks later, on a Wednesday, I left work early and drove hours towards my house several states away. I was at wit's end. Around 6 PM, I was near her work, so I called her. She answered. I told her I was just down the street and would like to meet her for dinner. This, of course, surprised her, but she met me at an Olive Garden.

The first thing I noticed was that she was very irritated. The second thing I noticed was that she was not wearing her engagement ring nor her wedding band. At the table, I looked at her hand, then at her eyes. She teared up and said that she left them home because she had to play volleyball that evening after work... but then it was cancelled. Sure... Dinner ended after some awkward silences, and she told me that she had some errands to run, but she would be home about an hour after me. so, I went home.

It took me all of about 10 minutes to find the incriminating evidence. She had left out, in plain view, a motel receipt for some shithole motel about 2 miles from the house. It was dated the prior Tuesday, 8 days ago. Room number 119. Number of guests: 2. It had her signature. Apparently, she was scared of being caught by me, since I had paid her a surprise visit the week before... otherwise, there was no reason for her to stay in that damn motel.

Three hours later (remember her one hour of errands?), she arrived home to find me sitting alone in the dark. She sat down. I told her that I am not stupid, and that I know something is going on. I told her that I know who it is with. She told me that I was being silly. It wasn't until she told me a whole string of stories (lies) about why she is acting differently lately that I finally asked her where she was the previous Tuesday. She said she was home, and told me that she knows for sure that she was home because that was the night she stubbed her toe, and oh, how that hurt, blah, blah, blah. I listened, and then simply said the name of the motel. She sat there and the blood drained from her face. "Oh." she said. The gig was up.

I eventually got her to tell me everything. Everything. I learned that our marriage was dead. She claimed to still not know what she wants in life. She blamed lack of experience. I blamed her lack of integrity. It was not a pretty situation. And, I learned that I was right about who was involved with her in the affair... our friend who's wife had cheated on him. He took the pain he was feeling and knowingly passed it on to me, his friend. Scumbag. He was to blame. My wife was to blame.

I believed in marriage at the time. I believed that it was something to hold dear. I believed that it was something worth saving, despite what may have happened, despite the loss of honesty, despite the loss of trust. I agreed to try marriage counseling, but it was clear after a few meetings that my wife was not willing to participate. The situation quickly became clear to me, so I swallowed my pride (or is it that I regained it?) and decided to put an end to what was already gone.

Did I make mistakes? Absolutely. Was I to blame? I don't think so. She was unhappy about us being apart for days at a time during the planned transition from DC to NJ. I was on the road every weekend to spend time with her. I called her every day. It was hard, but we knew to expect that going into it. She was too weak, and instead of talking with me about how she was feeling she chose to rebel against our relationship. I later learned that she never tried at all to find a new job the entire Summer.

I filed for divorce, and did it the best way possible, I think. http://hubpages.com/hub/750_Divorce

Anyway, we sold the house. I bought that big beautiful house that we were planning to buy together. I live alone in it today, and have for more than two and a half years. For the last year plus, I have been dating a great girl who treats me very well... but there are problems in that relationship, too. http://hubpages.com/hub/Not_Ready_For_Engagement

Maybe I am jaded. Maybe I am just cautious. I don't know. Life goes on, and I continue to learn and grow...